"Hey there, bright eyes. Time to enjoy some new sunny skies. Today, only good things are bound to be. I trust in the sky and the sun we see. I trust in you as you trust in me. Take another minute to really remember how I love you so. Take another minute and you'll feel ready to go. I seem to dream of you a lot as of late. I dream of you, your eyes, your mouth, your voice and how soon will come the date. Dream big, girl, believe in what you want and want to do. Believe in your dreams and they'll get you through. My mind swells with fuzz and love and things, every time I think of what the plane ride brings. I love you, baby, good morning to you. Good morning, good morning, oh the things you can do less than 3"
-December 28th, 2010
"Good morning, baby. Sweet dreams I pray, came your beautiful way. Truth be told, you are my sweetest dream. Even as far away as you may seem. Never never never give up. Keep yourself moving and you're in for good luck. The way you smile, with your eyes and whole body. I miss that so much, I'm so glad you love me. Enjoy the fresh air as you step into a new day. There's so much to do, but there's really only one thing we need to say: "I love you" and it's good because it's true. So i'll say it now... I love you, baby. I love you so much. So once again as always, good morning, my little piece of heaven. <3"
-December 29th, 2010
"Good morning, baby. I want to be the first to say. I so called that shit. Happy and satisfied is where I sit. Today gave new hope for tomorrow, even more drive. I feel that you feel much more alive. This morning, I know you'll dive in head first. Comforting it should feel that you've now seen the worst. And right as everything seemed to have completely gone wrong, look at how fast everything came along. I'm so in love and so happy, it's bizarre. I'm so close but still a little bit far. Tomorrow I leave this home, forever, but feeling better than ever before. I have the future, happiness and you, I couldn't ask for more. Your call just made me have an even better day. I know yours will start in exactly the same way. I'm so excited. I'm so in love. These next few days are going to be great. I love you, Caity, good morning *huuuuuuuuuuuuug* <3
You are the brightness inside my heart."
-December 30th, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
From family guy - "You know Connie, I think I know why you're such a bitch. You're popular becasue you developed early and started putting out when you were 12, but now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore, so you pick on Meg to avoid the horrible realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn out chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want."
POEMS: In backwards order... because it's easier.
"Good morning baby. I promise you today will be amazing. Good things will come your way, and it will all start early in the day. Refreshed and happy, your head will rise, staring down a new day will be your blue eyes. I also promise things will get even better in the afternoon. Always remember that good things will come soon. And if you believe in somjething, it will come true. So prepare yourself for an important day, it will be great. It will be, I promise. Nothing will be too late. So good morning my love of loves. Good morning, I can't wait to hear you smile <3. " December 27, 2010
"Good morning baby. I know i always start that way, but that's what you are, my baby girl at afar. Any given night I may be scared, that night is not this one, I feel quite prepared. I feel more ready and excited than I've ever been at all. I feel like it's almost summer, leaving behind the winter and fall. You, my girl, are a most unique being. And so far so good that seeing is believing. No one else can see the world like you can and do. No one else has wings as beautiful as you. A world without your light is the darkest that can be convieved but now more than ever, I know you believe. That you are amazing and are the creation of my wildest dreams. I lucked out in finding you so early it seems. I saw those blue eyes for months and looked so far and wide. You were standing at a door, on just the other side. Belive in yourself the way I believe in you. Belive in happiness and you'll find your way through. Take a moment to look at yourself in the mirror, say out loud "I am beautiful, I am strong and I am loved truely" I'd love to hear you say you've said that for yourself even more than for me. Say hello to a new and magical day. If I were laying next to you "I love you" is what I would say. <3"
-Devember 26th, 2010
"Good mroning, Merry Christmas, wipe yesterday's troubles from your sleepy eyes. Today, you should find it no surprise, that I love you and wish you were here. I want to make myself quite clear. I will always be here. Though thick and thin. I think if I proved myself at least some. That aside, today will be fun. Family can be a pain in the ass, but the gathering therein should be a blast. I'm glad my story helped you sleep. Next time you ask, I'll know what you mean. you, my girl, live with the stars and the fireflies, they're yours. So as you wake and remember how you fell asleep, in your mind, I bid you one word to keep:love. Now have an amazing christmas morning. I love you <3"
-December 25th, 2010
"Good morning. Merry christmas? I don't know if today is really "christmas" or not. Whatev. Anyhow, again, good morning, I miss that pair of bright blue eyes. Brighter than the sun and the moon combined. You are growing and I hoope you see it all around. Look at all the love we've found. Even after everything and everywhere we've gone, I know that it won't be long. Before you feel like you're walking on solid ground. I miss you more than the universe is round. You can do it, I'm right behind you all the way. I'm here tomorrow, forever and every day. I miss hearing you curl up and sigh on my chest. I miss seeing you say you like me the best. There's so much to see and so much to share. Just remember your wings every time life feels unfait. Together we stand. Together we'll draw hearts in the sand. Once more good morning. And for the first time since you shut your eyes, you'll hear "I love you" and you'll hear my voice as you read that, just so you know that it's true. <3"
-December 24th, 2010
"Good morning, my beautiful, amazing, strong and loving girl. This may be just me but what I've noticed is that the exercise may not be about life without me but living with yourself. And indeed, you're already doing a great job achieving that. You've taught me so much and it makes me uncontrolablly happy to see you becoming happier. I can hear your smile on the phone and your laugh makes me feel all tingly. When you laugh at something funny I say, it's like a gold star on an exam. It's just the most rewarding sound in the world. I love feeling appreciated by you and I feel that way more and more, especially now that you've found new drive and motivation. I love you so much. Only good things are ahead. That wasn't much of a poem... Let's see here...Good morning, baby. You drive me crazy. Thinking of your smile alone makes everything feel like home. I keep a picture of you always on my phone. When I need to smile I look at you, beautiful, on your way to sleep. That little moment is something I love to keep. I imagine your soft breath next to me in bed. I'd turn to look and see your resting head. You are beautiful no matter what it is you're doing, even on the verge of the nightmares that are something brewing. But I've been there to save oyu from those bad dreams. Just in time it always seems. As you wake up and charege into another day, remember that I'm always there in some way. I love you, good luck today. <3"
-Decemeber 23rd, 2010
"Good morning, today is a big day. You are getting happier. I hope that's the way it will stay. You got me here, you were there, when I needed you most. You held my hand softly, continuing my hope. I found my true self in this magical, stressful time .It fills my heart with love knowing that in the end you'll be mine. You'll be my love, my rest, my peace, and my valentine. you'll be the blue eyee I need and the shoulder I rest on while you rest on mine. I will do anything for you, andything your heart may design. Anything you can imagine from deep sighing that will make you happy and smile. I know I'd say I'd walk it but this time I think I"ll fly a thougsand miles. So rise and shine, you're going to do great today. Keep a smile on your face even when rings feel hard. It will make it easier, I promise. I love you, miss you and wish you a full and happy day. <3"
-Decemeber 22nd, 2010
"Good morning. I have so much to say but it can always wait another day. And I will wait, and wait with strength. I will survive and endure the length, of this trial, this test, this emotional melee. I know though, that soon will come the day. I will be kept warm by you and your arms. I will no longer fear any harm. I will seize this day, this life, this opportunity. It will be hard but I know that somewhere out there in that darkness, you're in front of me. I've never missed you more than I do right here. My love for you has become quite clear. And I will not despair, while you go repair, the brokeness you feel. I will have time to heal. I'll miss the sound of your voice, but I know you've made your choice, that soon, after whatever time you need and desire, that in the end, in my arms you will retire. I love you so much and I miss you already. I know you need to do this and I trust you and am behind you through every moment."
-December 21st, 2010
"Good morning, my girl, good morning and break a leg. If you have a single dout, get it out of your head. Things are going to get better all the time and every day. In the future we'll be able to say: "do you remember when things were all wrong?" and I'll say, "no all I know is that everything is great now listen to this song." It's the future I think about these days, no longer just living in the here and now. It took me a long time to feel like I had a future and I know how: you. You made me realize that I have a goal. You made me realize that I wasnt a home. That I want happiness and success and love and all the rest. So as you shake the sleep from your head and eyes, I hope that at this moment you realize... That you have a beautiful future, all you need to do is want it and it will manifest. You, my girl will always be the best. We may fall down. You ask why. So we can learn to pick ourselves up. And you're in luck. You get to do everything right this round. Look at yourself, think of me and enjoy all the love we've found. You are all that I need, and look at all the love we've found."
-December 20th, 2010
"Good morning. I love you. I do. I didn't have the best day, that's true. I'm counting on you to make it beter and all well. I trust you, you've been honest, I can tell. Just don't hurt me anymore. It's making me whole everything sore. But rise and shine. You have another chance this time. If you want something badly enough, you will get it, I know. So much work I've done and indeed so much for it to show. Put your heart and soul into this and it will all turn out great. DO it for us or at least for me before it's soo late. Good morning again, no doubt emotions are overwhelming me as I write. But even as it hurts, I'm keeping my goals in sight. I need you now more than ever before in my entire existence, past lives and all. I stumble today, I don't want to fall. So comfort me, love me and be truthful and it will all fall into place. I can't wait to see you and the smile on your face. Remember, I really need you, my lover, my Cait, my one. I'll always stick with you, even after this is all done. I want so many thing, but if we're fragile, let's get the basics down. Do what I do: let all the love out of your heart, break all the doors down. Let it flood your heart, your body, and mind. Joining me in theat, I believe you will find: your way, becasue I could have left today. I didn't, because instead of getting angry, or in a rage, I started by opening just one page... of a book I keep in my heart. This book geoes over everything from the start. We are meant to be, and every obstacle has been broken down. From the first time I met the most beautiful you, standing there with a grown. I looked around every corner, and like that park here, I kept coming back. Even before our first date, I felt like you were just coming back... to me. Like I had known you and you went for a vacation a while. I chased you down and the next time I saw you, you had a smile. I want that smile on your beautiful face back. You are the only thing in my life that right now I lack. I want you back. So bad. I'm not mad. Not mad at you and you shouldn't be either. You've been given a second chance. Don't let me down, because you and I are going to take over the world together. You and I forever.
It's up to you baby. I realized tonight that the easiest decisions are not always the right ones. and I choose you. I just hope you choose me too. Sorry that was long but I needed to say it all. I can't wait until you call. I love you Caity, I love you, good morning."
-Decemmber 19th, 2010
"Good morning, it's alright that you haven't yet said goodnight. I trust you and I trust what you'll do. I know you by now and I know you'll treat me right. Right now, you treated me to a good night. Not by your actions alone, but the actions unknown. I know you're safe and happy and thats what matters most. I know you're with friends, so raise a toast. To you and I, and how we'll never say goodbye. Because together we trust and in each other have faith. It's not how we do but often how we do not behave. I know you'll think of me with everything you see. So good morning again, I can't wait to hear your voice again."
-December 11th, 2010
"Good morning my lovely. Nothing excites me more everyyday than knowing that I"m on my way. I miss you so much. I miss your blue eyes and I miss your soft thighs. I'm so glad I have you in my life and in my heart. Being without you would tear my world apart. I can't wait to see the look on your face when I see you for the first time in months. I just... Can't wait it's going to be one of the best days ever. Good morning, my one true love. I can't wait to hear you say that you love me and are proud of me. I can't wait for you to give me more words of encouragement. It's all happening. I'll be there soon <3"
-December 10th, 2010
"Good morning baby. Mark off one more day. The plans have already been made. Since I've known you, my life has never been the same. You helped drive me to this road. I know right now it's morning and cold. But I'll be there to keep you warm before it's too late. Mark your calendar for that date. This is not a rising vibe or apogee. This is the right path, it's perfect for me. You're perfect for me. So good morning, my girl, my love, my one. Today will be bright, productive and fun. <3"
-Decemeber 9th, 2010
"My greatest inspiration of all is knowing you won't let me fall. With all the love and trust and all the faith and lust, you are all I'll ever want and all I'll ever need. Miles apart, I can still hear your heart. I can hear your soft breaths sometimes as I fall asleep. I can feel your warmth sometimes next to me. All these things I want to keep. I'd save the whole world if it meant you'd be with me. Good morning, baby such great days we've had and so many more to look forward to. I love you. I love your eyes. I love your smile. I love your laugh. I love how much you love me. <3"
-December 8th, 2010
"I can barely believe my eyes as I close them every night because those fireflies light up the skies while you're fast asleep. I send them all your way hoping they'll make your day.Even though I'm so far away, you light my way and I can see the path that lies ahead. So good morning again, as you get out of bed, remember how much I miss you. I love you, baby. It's going to be a great day. <3"
-December 7th, 2010
"Rise and shine, this moment stuck in time. A time when you realize... it's all for you. For me, quite a few, but for I want to see world when for me I'd settle for Asia and northern Europe. I'm going to take this world by the balls. Take us to New York (for fun this time). India and Niagara Falls. I'll show you downtown boulder, buy you something from every store. I'll take you to Hawaii and take back something from the shore. A grain of sand. One in each hand. To symbolize how impossible but serendipodus it was, that out of everyone on this land, It'd be us together at last. Call it destiny, fate or intervention from the devine, but one way, those blue eyes had to be mine. I looked around every corner, like I was told. I saw many faces but yours took hold. I needed a close look at those eyes. You stood in front of me after all my tries. There they were, smiling from your soul. Right then, I did know. And I knew and I knew and I knew. That I would grow with you. I felt what Jake had told me the first time we made love. He said that if she's the one, it will feel like the earth meeting up with the heavens above. After that, I knew my path had been sex and I was pretty sure I was prepared to ride the wave. Master it, see how it might behave. I grew to love the tide almost as much as I love what's inside. Inside you. In that beautiful, fragile, loving heart. That's where I'm going next. I feel strong enough now after all the recent events. I need to see that part of you again. It's place that no one else can go. Now, this next statement may show... How I can be posessive and jealous sometimes. But that place, your heart, if mine. Others may get your company and at worst your affections. But that heart, the center of you, your guiding force. I lay claim. And for you, mind. Just the same. My heart is yours, it would be quiet and empty without you in it. I trust you to handle it with care. Just calm me down whenever I get scared. I love you just imagine me saying it in your head when I'm not there to say it myself. Bear in mind, however how much calm or calamity can come with a few wrong words form the mouth. My mouth right now says: I love you, good morning."
-December 6th, 2010
"I hate to have you sleep with tears in your eyes. At this moment, good morning. I hope you realize: that you are home, safe and sound and I love you more times than the world has gone round. The sound of your voice makes my mind and body feel warm and still. My heart, with your love, you always fill. Rise today and feel a new strength and determination. I see a little more work ahead but then, it will feel like vacation. So good morning again, my love for all time and always. These are just the preperations for soon to come better days."
-December 5th, 2010
"Good morning, baby, you are going to have a great day. That's if I have anything to say. I'd steal the sun to keep you warm, I'd borrow the heavens if it'd make you smile. I've been without you for a long while. It makes me act a little stupid sometimes, but it's only because I miss your smiles. And your laugh and hugs and kisses and deep, content sighs. I'll be there as soon as I can, maybe fly the friendly skies. Good morning, baby, I love you. You are going to have a great day."
-November 30th, 2010
"I woke up to you not there but I remember.As I woke I heard this osng in my head. I remember:
I know how you feel.
I'm feeling it too.
I hold my heart, I dream of you.
I see your face,
I feel it, too.
Searching skies.
I need you.
I miss you.
Take this and hold
my love for you.
In separate times we think as two.
In paradise I'll drown in you.
Still searching skies.
I need you.
I want you.
I love you, love you.
I love only you.... love you."
-November 29th, 2010
"If I had a dime for every time I thought "I love you cait" I'd have enough to buy us a house where we both could live. I hope you know i have so much love to give. More and more all the time. I've got direction now, and you're still mine. What more could a boy ask? I've got plans, and with your love, I'm up to the task. Good morning baby, It's gonna be a good one <3"
-December 28th, 2010
POEMS: In backwards order... because it's easier.
"Good morning baby. I promise you today will be amazing. Good things will come your way, and it will all start early in the day. Refreshed and happy, your head will rise, staring down a new day will be your blue eyes. I also promise things will get even better in the afternoon. Always remember that good things will come soon. And if you believe in somjething, it will come true. So prepare yourself for an important day, it will be great. It will be, I promise. Nothing will be too late. So good morning my love of loves. Good morning, I can't wait to hear you smile <3. " December 27, 2010
"Good morning baby. I know i always start that way, but that's what you are, my baby girl at afar. Any given night I may be scared, that night is not this one, I feel quite prepared. I feel more ready and excited than I've ever been at all. I feel like it's almost summer, leaving behind the winter and fall. You, my girl, are a most unique being. And so far so good that seeing is believing. No one else can see the world like you can and do. No one else has wings as beautiful as you. A world without your light is the darkest that can be convieved but now more than ever, I know you believe. That you are amazing and are the creation of my wildest dreams. I lucked out in finding you so early it seems. I saw those blue eyes for months and looked so far and wide. You were standing at a door, on just the other side. Belive in yourself the way I believe in you. Belive in happiness and you'll find your way through. Take a moment to look at yourself in the mirror, say out loud "I am beautiful, I am strong and I am loved truely" I'd love to hear you say you've said that for yourself even more than for me. Say hello to a new and magical day. If I were laying next to you "I love you" is what I would say. <3"
-Devember 26th, 2010
"Good mroning, Merry Christmas, wipe yesterday's troubles from your sleepy eyes. Today, you should find it no surprise, that I love you and wish you were here. I want to make myself quite clear. I will always be here. Though thick and thin. I think if I proved myself at least some. That aside, today will be fun. Family can be a pain in the ass, but the gathering therein should be a blast. I'm glad my story helped you sleep. Next time you ask, I'll know what you mean. you, my girl, live with the stars and the fireflies, they're yours. So as you wake and remember how you fell asleep, in your mind, I bid you one word to keep:love. Now have an amazing christmas morning. I love you <3"
-December 25th, 2010
"Good morning. Merry christmas? I don't know if today is really "christmas" or not. Whatev. Anyhow, again, good morning, I miss that pair of bright blue eyes. Brighter than the sun and the moon combined. You are growing and I hoope you see it all around. Look at all the love we've found. Even after everything and everywhere we've gone, I know that it won't be long. Before you feel like you're walking on solid ground. I miss you more than the universe is round. You can do it, I'm right behind you all the way. I'm here tomorrow, forever and every day. I miss hearing you curl up and sigh on my chest. I miss seeing you say you like me the best. There's so much to see and so much to share. Just remember your wings every time life feels unfait. Together we stand. Together we'll draw hearts in the sand. Once more good morning. And for the first time since you shut your eyes, you'll hear "I love you" and you'll hear my voice as you read that, just so you know that it's true. <3"
-December 24th, 2010
"Good morning, my beautiful, amazing, strong and loving girl. This may be just me but what I've noticed is that the exercise may not be about life without me but living with yourself. And indeed, you're already doing a great job achieving that. You've taught me so much and it makes me uncontrolablly happy to see you becoming happier. I can hear your smile on the phone and your laugh makes me feel all tingly. When you laugh at something funny I say, it's like a gold star on an exam. It's just the most rewarding sound in the world. I love feeling appreciated by you and I feel that way more and more, especially now that you've found new drive and motivation. I love you so much. Only good things are ahead. That wasn't much of a poem... Let's see here...Good morning, baby. You drive me crazy. Thinking of your smile alone makes everything feel like home. I keep a picture of you always on my phone. When I need to smile I look at you, beautiful, on your way to sleep. That little moment is something I love to keep. I imagine your soft breath next to me in bed. I'd turn to look and see your resting head. You are beautiful no matter what it is you're doing, even on the verge of the nightmares that are something brewing. But I've been there to save oyu from those bad dreams. Just in time it always seems. As you wake up and charege into another day, remember that I'm always there in some way. I love you, good luck today. <3"
-Decemeber 23rd, 2010
"Good morning, today is a big day. You are getting happier. I hope that's the way it will stay. You got me here, you were there, when I needed you most. You held my hand softly, continuing my hope. I found my true self in this magical, stressful time .It fills my heart with love knowing that in the end you'll be mine. You'll be my love, my rest, my peace, and my valentine. you'll be the blue eyee I need and the shoulder I rest on while you rest on mine. I will do anything for you, andything your heart may design. Anything you can imagine from deep sighing that will make you happy and smile. I know I'd say I'd walk it but this time I think I"ll fly a thougsand miles. So rise and shine, you're going to do great today. Keep a smile on your face even when rings feel hard. It will make it easier, I promise. I love you, miss you and wish you a full and happy day. <3"
-Decemeber 22nd, 2010
"Good morning. I have so much to say but it can always wait another day. And I will wait, and wait with strength. I will survive and endure the length, of this trial, this test, this emotional melee. I know though, that soon will come the day. I will be kept warm by you and your arms. I will no longer fear any harm. I will seize this day, this life, this opportunity. It will be hard but I know that somewhere out there in that darkness, you're in front of me. I've never missed you more than I do right here. My love for you has become quite clear. And I will not despair, while you go repair, the brokeness you feel. I will have time to heal. I'll miss the sound of your voice, but I know you've made your choice, that soon, after whatever time you need and desire, that in the end, in my arms you will retire. I love you so much and I miss you already. I know you need to do this and I trust you and am behind you through every moment."
-December 21st, 2010
"Good morning, my girl, good morning and break a leg. If you have a single dout, get it out of your head. Things are going to get better all the time and every day. In the future we'll be able to say: "do you remember when things were all wrong?" and I'll say, "no all I know is that everything is great now listen to this song." It's the future I think about these days, no longer just living in the here and now. It took me a long time to feel like I had a future and I know how: you. You made me realize that I have a goal. You made me realize that I wasnt a home. That I want happiness and success and love and all the rest. So as you shake the sleep from your head and eyes, I hope that at this moment you realize... That you have a beautiful future, all you need to do is want it and it will manifest. You, my girl will always be the best. We may fall down. You ask why. So we can learn to pick ourselves up. And you're in luck. You get to do everything right this round. Look at yourself, think of me and enjoy all the love we've found. You are all that I need, and look at all the love we've found."
-December 20th, 2010
"Good morning. I love you. I do. I didn't have the best day, that's true. I'm counting on you to make it beter and all well. I trust you, you've been honest, I can tell. Just don't hurt me anymore. It's making me whole everything sore. But rise and shine. You have another chance this time. If you want something badly enough, you will get it, I know. So much work I've done and indeed so much for it to show. Put your heart and soul into this and it will all turn out great. DO it for us or at least for me before it's soo late. Good morning again, no doubt emotions are overwhelming me as I write. But even as it hurts, I'm keeping my goals in sight. I need you now more than ever before in my entire existence, past lives and all. I stumble today, I don't want to fall. So comfort me, love me and be truthful and it will all fall into place. I can't wait to see you and the smile on your face. Remember, I really need you, my lover, my Cait, my one. I'll always stick with you, even after this is all done. I want so many thing, but if we're fragile, let's get the basics down. Do what I do: let all the love out of your heart, break all the doors down. Let it flood your heart, your body, and mind. Joining me in theat, I believe you will find: your way, becasue I could have left today. I didn't, because instead of getting angry, or in a rage, I started by opening just one page... of a book I keep in my heart. This book geoes over everything from the start. We are meant to be, and every obstacle has been broken down. From the first time I met the most beautiful you, standing there with a grown. I looked around every corner, and like that park here, I kept coming back. Even before our first date, I felt like you were just coming back... to me. Like I had known you and you went for a vacation a while. I chased you down and the next time I saw you, you had a smile. I want that smile on your beautiful face back. You are the only thing in my life that right now I lack. I want you back. So bad. I'm not mad. Not mad at you and you shouldn't be either. You've been given a second chance. Don't let me down, because you and I are going to take over the world together. You and I forever.
It's up to you baby. I realized tonight that the easiest decisions are not always the right ones. and I choose you. I just hope you choose me too. Sorry that was long but I needed to say it all. I can't wait until you call. I love you Caity, I love you, good morning."
-Decemmber 19th, 2010
"Good morning, it's alright that you haven't yet said goodnight. I trust you and I trust what you'll do. I know you by now and I know you'll treat me right. Right now, you treated me to a good night. Not by your actions alone, but the actions unknown. I know you're safe and happy and thats what matters most. I know you're with friends, so raise a toast. To you and I, and how we'll never say goodbye. Because together we trust and in each other have faith. It's not how we do but often how we do not behave. I know you'll think of me with everything you see. So good morning again, I can't wait to hear your voice again."
-December 11th, 2010
"Good morning my lovely. Nothing excites me more everyyday than knowing that I"m on my way. I miss you so much. I miss your blue eyes and I miss your soft thighs. I'm so glad I have you in my life and in my heart. Being without you would tear my world apart. I can't wait to see the look on your face when I see you for the first time in months. I just... Can't wait it's going to be one of the best days ever. Good morning, my one true love. I can't wait to hear you say that you love me and are proud of me. I can't wait for you to give me more words of encouragement. It's all happening. I'll be there soon <3"
-December 10th, 2010
"Good morning baby. Mark off one more day. The plans have already been made. Since I've known you, my life has never been the same. You helped drive me to this road. I know right now it's morning and cold. But I'll be there to keep you warm before it's too late. Mark your calendar for that date. This is not a rising vibe or apogee. This is the right path, it's perfect for me. You're perfect for me. So good morning, my girl, my love, my one. Today will be bright, productive and fun. <3"
-Decemeber 9th, 2010
"My greatest inspiration of all is knowing you won't let me fall. With all the love and trust and all the faith and lust, you are all I'll ever want and all I'll ever need. Miles apart, I can still hear your heart. I can hear your soft breaths sometimes as I fall asleep. I can feel your warmth sometimes next to me. All these things I want to keep. I'd save the whole world if it meant you'd be with me. Good morning, baby such great days we've had and so many more to look forward to. I love you. I love your eyes. I love your smile. I love your laugh. I love how much you love me. <3"
-December 8th, 2010
"I can barely believe my eyes as I close them every night because those fireflies light up the skies while you're fast asleep. I send them all your way hoping they'll make your day.Even though I'm so far away, you light my way and I can see the path that lies ahead. So good morning again, as you get out of bed, remember how much I miss you. I love you, baby. It's going to be a great day. <3"
-December 7th, 2010
"Rise and shine, this moment stuck in time. A time when you realize... it's all for you. For me, quite a few, but for I want to see world when for me I'd settle for Asia and northern Europe. I'm going to take this world by the balls. Take us to New York (for fun this time). India and Niagara Falls. I'll show you downtown boulder, buy you something from every store. I'll take you to Hawaii and take back something from the shore. A grain of sand. One in each hand. To symbolize how impossible but serendipodus it was, that out of everyone on this land, It'd be us together at last. Call it destiny, fate or intervention from the devine, but one way, those blue eyes had to be mine. I looked around every corner, like I was told. I saw many faces but yours took hold. I needed a close look at those eyes. You stood in front of me after all my tries. There they were, smiling from your soul. Right then, I did know. And I knew and I knew and I knew. That I would grow with you. I felt what Jake had told me the first time we made love. He said that if she's the one, it will feel like the earth meeting up with the heavens above. After that, I knew my path had been sex and I was pretty sure I was prepared to ride the wave. Master it, see how it might behave. I grew to love the tide almost as much as I love what's inside. Inside you. In that beautiful, fragile, loving heart. That's where I'm going next. I feel strong enough now after all the recent events. I need to see that part of you again. It's place that no one else can go. Now, this next statement may show... How I can be posessive and jealous sometimes. But that place, your heart, if mine. Others may get your company and at worst your affections. But that heart, the center of you, your guiding force. I lay claim. And for you, mind. Just the same. My heart is yours, it would be quiet and empty without you in it. I trust you to handle it with care. Just calm me down whenever I get scared. I love you just imagine me saying it in your head when I'm not there to say it myself. Bear in mind, however how much calm or calamity can come with a few wrong words form the mouth. My mouth right now says: I love you, good morning."
-December 6th, 2010
"I hate to have you sleep with tears in your eyes. At this moment, good morning. I hope you realize: that you are home, safe and sound and I love you more times than the world has gone round. The sound of your voice makes my mind and body feel warm and still. My heart, with your love, you always fill. Rise today and feel a new strength and determination. I see a little more work ahead but then, it will feel like vacation. So good morning again, my love for all time and always. These are just the preperations for soon to come better days."
-December 5th, 2010
"Good morning, baby, you are going to have a great day. That's if I have anything to say. I'd steal the sun to keep you warm, I'd borrow the heavens if it'd make you smile. I've been without you for a long while. It makes me act a little stupid sometimes, but it's only because I miss your smiles. And your laugh and hugs and kisses and deep, content sighs. I'll be there as soon as I can, maybe fly the friendly skies. Good morning, baby, I love you. You are going to have a great day."
-November 30th, 2010
"I woke up to you not there but I remember.As I woke I heard this osng in my head. I remember:
I know how you feel.
I'm feeling it too.
I hold my heart, I dream of you.
I see your face,
I feel it, too.
Searching skies.
I need you.
I miss you.
Take this and hold
my love for you.
In separate times we think as two.
In paradise I'll drown in you.
Still searching skies.
I need you.
I want you.
I love you, love you.
I love only you.... love you."
-November 29th, 2010
"If I had a dime for every time I thought "I love you cait" I'd have enough to buy us a house where we both could live. I hope you know i have so much love to give. More and more all the time. I've got direction now, and you're still mine. What more could a boy ask? I've got plans, and with your love, I'm up to the task. Good morning baby, It's gonna be a good one <3"
-December 28th, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Ambien - December 26th
9:32 pm.
I just took the ambien. Listening to The Beatles "Because". So far so good. Nothing exciting. There is a nice glow here. Might turn the night light off....
Better. it's darker and the likelihood that I freak myself out is high.
To do tonight:
Talk to her. Find out about AJ's safety in his apartment
Find out what is following me and how to get rid of it.
Learn what I can about Andrew and James and their purpose in my life.
My feelings of confliction are getting stronger and stronger.
Maybe it's best if I don't speak to Andrew. But somehow I'm drawn to him, even though I can so blatently see how our relationship would work, or rather, how it wouldn't work...
I don't think he and I are compatable.
Fireflies - time to close my eyes and wait. They have been here, hiding, since the last time. I'm sure they'll be here again. Come on... i've seen one. Just one? I know they're here.... why are they not coming out?!
Matybe aj isn't here with me... maybe things with he and I are meant to be done.
I'm not sure if I hope not....
Come one, if AJ and I are meant to be, I need a sign. I need fireflies.
The song just froze.
I had to refresh, but if that wasn't a sign I don't know what was....
Fireflies (round 2) - no fireflies.
The song is almost over, and still nothing.
nothing.
nothing.
I will Posess your heart - I'm cold. unrelated to the song, but still true. I love this song. And I'm talking to Andrew. What is wrong with me?!
Still no fireflies.
I asked AJ for them.
I told him I needed confirmation of our relationship. So far... nothing.
This song was supposed to be from AJ to me, but it's making me think it's from me to Andsrew right now. What. THE. Fuck.
Something is wrong with me. I feel like a love struck puppy.
Nothin is going the way it's meant to. Come on....
Firelies.
I NEED fireflies.
Fireflies are healthy, stable, expected. I can rely on them.
But they're not here. Andrew is, but andrew doesn't want me.
Come on fireflies.
Help.
Andrtew said hedoesn't mind listening to me babble about useless shit, but "it's the being seen as a way out that bothers me"
I hope that's not what I'm doing.
I thought I saw a firefly. It was a flicker from the smoke alarm.
Point of view point - chills. from the music this time, not the stupid window.
AJ is going to be sending me some.
Why weren't they there.
I just took the ambien. Listening to The Beatles "Because". So far so good. Nothing exciting. There is a nice glow here. Might turn the night light off....
Better. it's darker and the likelihood that I freak myself out is high.
To do tonight:
Talk to her. Find out about AJ's safety in his apartment
Find out what is following me and how to get rid of it.
Learn what I can about Andrew and James and their purpose in my life.
My feelings of confliction are getting stronger and stronger.
Maybe it's best if I don't speak to Andrew. But somehow I'm drawn to him, even though I can so blatently see how our relationship would work, or rather, how it wouldn't work...
I don't think he and I are compatable.
Fireflies - time to close my eyes and wait. They have been here, hiding, since the last time. I'm sure they'll be here again. Come on... i've seen one. Just one? I know they're here.... why are they not coming out?!
Matybe aj isn't here with me... maybe things with he and I are meant to be done.
I'm not sure if I hope not....
Come one, if AJ and I are meant to be, I need a sign. I need fireflies.
The song just froze.
I had to refresh, but if that wasn't a sign I don't know what was....
Fireflies (round 2) - no fireflies.
The song is almost over, and still nothing.
nothing.
nothing.
I will Posess your heart - I'm cold. unrelated to the song, but still true. I love this song. And I'm talking to Andrew. What is wrong with me?!
Still no fireflies.
I asked AJ for them.
I told him I needed confirmation of our relationship. So far... nothing.
This song was supposed to be from AJ to me, but it's making me think it's from me to Andsrew right now. What. THE. Fuck.
Something is wrong with me. I feel like a love struck puppy.
Nothin is going the way it's meant to. Come on....
Firelies.
I NEED fireflies.
Fireflies are healthy, stable, expected. I can rely on them.
But they're not here. Andrew is, but andrew doesn't want me.
Come on fireflies.
Help.
Andrtew said hedoesn't mind listening to me babble about useless shit, but "it's the being seen as a way out that bothers me"
I hope that's not what I'm doing.
I thought I saw a firefly. It was a flicker from the smoke alarm.
Point of view point - chills. from the music this time, not the stupid window.
AJ is going to be sending me some.
Why weren't they there.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
"Good morning baby. Rise and smile!
You heard the news right?
I'm coming to Seattle!
So, whatdaya think about that?
I was looking at some old pictures of
us and god dammit are we cute.
Baby, god damn do I miss you.
Never been so excited to move my feet.
You and I are in for such a treat.
I do my best to treat you right,
and baby, I miss you every night.
The closer I am, the worse it gets.
But the harder I work,
the more worth it it is.
I love you baby
Can't wait to hear your voice. <3"
AJ - December 14th, 2010
"Good morning baby.
I hope you're feeling better,
bright and bushy-tailed.
That idiom may have just failed...
Anyway, It's something my dad
used to say...
I'm making amazing headway.
Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend
that I'm already there today.
I imagine seeing your beautiful face
and you burying it in my neck and shoulder.
I want to keep you warm
even more as it gets even colder.
I love you like nothing else I've ever before.
I don't know how I could love you more.
So good morning, my most beautiful girl.
I'll be there soon, yes, it's real <3"
AJ - December 15th 2010
"Good morning, I wish I were
a wizard so I could cast some
kind of spell to put all your
clothes on, prewarmed,
and then light your cigarette
in the fresh morning air.
But alas, I never got my letter either.
But do not despair.
You have powers beyond the wildest
imagination, beyond what most humans
can even guess. You...
You are amazing. You...
You are blessed. Whatever made us
took extra time on you.
I've talked to the Governer. I know it's true
(Super Troopers joke.)
Anywho, good morning
and what a morning it will be.
Another great day, trust me, you'll see <3"
AJ - December 16th, 2010
"Good morning my girl,
my only one. Good morning,
I hope your dreams were fun.
I hope you dreamt of warm days and
car rides. I hope you dreamt of sitting
with me, watching the tides.
I hope I see you when I get
some dreams too.
It's the closest thing I have until it's true.
it wont be much longer. All this work has made me stronger.
All my love is for you.
All my love is true.
Good morning again, baby.
I can't wait to hear your voice <3"
AJ - December 18th, 2010
You heard the news right?
I'm coming to Seattle!
So, whatdaya think about that?
I was looking at some old pictures of
us and god dammit are we cute.
Baby, god damn do I miss you.
Never been so excited to move my feet.
You and I are in for such a treat.
I do my best to treat you right,
and baby, I miss you every night.
The closer I am, the worse it gets.
But the harder I work,
the more worth it it is.
I love you baby
Can't wait to hear your voice. <3"
AJ - December 14th, 2010
"Good morning baby.
I hope you're feeling better,
bright and bushy-tailed.
That idiom may have just failed...
Anyway, It's something my dad
used to say...
I'm making amazing headway.
Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend
that I'm already there today.
I imagine seeing your beautiful face
and you burying it in my neck and shoulder.
I want to keep you warm
even more as it gets even colder.
I love you like nothing else I've ever before.
I don't know how I could love you more.
So good morning, my most beautiful girl.
I'll be there soon, yes, it's real <3"
AJ - December 15th 2010
"Good morning, I wish I were
a wizard so I could cast some
kind of spell to put all your
clothes on, prewarmed,
and then light your cigarette
in the fresh morning air.
But alas, I never got my letter either.
But do not despair.
You have powers beyond the wildest
imagination, beyond what most humans
can even guess. You...
You are amazing. You...
You are blessed. Whatever made us
took extra time on you.
I've talked to the Governer. I know it's true
(Super Troopers joke.)
Anywho, good morning
and what a morning it will be.
Another great day, trust me, you'll see <3"
AJ - December 16th, 2010
"Good morning my girl,
my only one. Good morning,
I hope your dreams were fun.
I hope you dreamt of warm days and
car rides. I hope you dreamt of sitting
with me, watching the tides.
I hope I see you when I get
some dreams too.
It's the closest thing I have until it's true.
it wont be much longer. All this work has made me stronger.
All my love is for you.
All my love is true.
Good morning again, baby.
I can't wait to hear your voice <3"
AJ - December 18th, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Aj's entry in the gypsey book
"Regrets, Fears, Secrets:
Regrets! none. Everything, I mean everyhing, happens for a reason. I believe in social engineering. Saying something nice to a stranger or offering to help to move something into a truck at a King Soopers. Perhaps even holding a door or a sincere "thank you." These random acts of abnormal human interaction leave an impresion on people.
An Example: I was in Boulder on pearl street, enjoying a rootbeer and a cigarette when I heard a tornado siren go off. It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. On a street corner not far were three girls. I approached the one who was not the most beautiful, passing up the blonde, big boobed college girl for the petite brunette. I walked up to her and said:
"If that had been an air-raid siren and we all would have died in moments, I'd want you to know that I think you're very pretty."
And walked away.
Maybe she still tells that store, maybe she forgot. Maybe she suddenly grew the balls to ask out the boy she likes. But I did it for a reason, god knows what it is, but a reason.
Fears: Aliens.
Only aliens. Not a phobia; I can watch movies with aliens, but that show on History Channel: Ancient Aliens; that shit freaks me out.
Death is of no concern. I know what happens when you die. I've seen my past lives. I've been murdered twice! Stabbed in the stomach as an Aztec priest and shot in the chest as a law enforcement agent in the 1930's New York.
Heights, snakes, midgets, chainsaw weilding midgets , pain, fire. No problem. Being abducted? Shit my pants.
Secrets: The only secrets I keep are the ones no one asks about.
This was not my story. This is barely a cross section. The story told here should be inspirational.
My message: Write outside the lines. Act outside the norms. Don't be afraid to be afraid. Open yourself to possibilities and self discovery. Find out who you are through any means you can. I won't tell you how, fate will lead you if you believe in yourself.
Believe in fate is optional.
Final Advice:
Listen to "Sunscreen" by Boz Luhrman, then write your own version.
Never feel "old".
The most important expectations are your own.
Medidtate.
There is a difference between being child-like and childish.
Stay Hydrated.
Ask questions and never question your heart.
Never take advice as rules.
-A.J. Hoelter"
Regrets! none. Everything, I mean everyhing, happens for a reason. I believe in social engineering. Saying something nice to a stranger or offering to help to move something into a truck at a King Soopers. Perhaps even holding a door or a sincere "thank you." These random acts of abnormal human interaction leave an impresion on people.
An Example: I was in Boulder on pearl street, enjoying a rootbeer and a cigarette when I heard a tornado siren go off. It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. On a street corner not far were three girls. I approached the one who was not the most beautiful, passing up the blonde, big boobed college girl for the petite brunette. I walked up to her and said:
"If that had been an air-raid siren and we all would have died in moments, I'd want you to know that I think you're very pretty."
And walked away.
Maybe she still tells that store, maybe she forgot. Maybe she suddenly grew the balls to ask out the boy she likes. But I did it for a reason, god knows what it is, but a reason.
Fears: Aliens.
Only aliens. Not a phobia; I can watch movies with aliens, but that show on History Channel: Ancient Aliens; that shit freaks me out.
Death is of no concern. I know what happens when you die. I've seen my past lives. I've been murdered twice! Stabbed in the stomach as an Aztec priest and shot in the chest as a law enforcement agent in the 1930's New York.
Heights, snakes, midgets, chainsaw weilding midgets , pain, fire. No problem. Being abducted? Shit my pants.
Secrets: The only secrets I keep are the ones no one asks about.
This was not my story. This is barely a cross section. The story told here should be inspirational.
My message: Write outside the lines. Act outside the norms. Don't be afraid to be afraid. Open yourself to possibilities and self discovery. Find out who you are through any means you can. I won't tell you how, fate will lead you if you believe in yourself.
Believe in fate is optional.
Final Advice:
Listen to "Sunscreen" by Boz Luhrman, then write your own version.
Never feel "old".
The most important expectations are your own.
Medidtate.
There is a difference between being child-like and childish.
Stay Hydrated.
Ask questions and never question your heart.
Never take advice as rules.
-A.J. Hoelter"
Friday, November 26, 2010
Poetry
Aj has been writing me poems again. Here they are:
"I wish I could rub your back
and run my fingers through your hair.
I wish I could hold you close and kiss the back of your neck.
I wish I could cover you in fireflies
and then kiss the tears from your perfect blue eyes
and tell you that everything is going to be great.
My fingers remember exactly how every part of your body feels
from your nose to your neck
to your chest to your thighs
and all the way to your toes.
I'd give anything to run my hands down your warm body.
Sleep tight baby.
I'm always with you."
AJ - October 27, 2010
"I awoke from a soft dream.
Dreaming of shooting stars.
And I realize that I love you more
ever day even though you are so far away.
I miss hearing you breath next to me.
Even when you're not in my arms,
just feeling your body move next to me in bed.
I miss your conversations out loud with your dreams.
I miss the small moan you let out when I roll over and take you in my arms.
I miss the way your skin feels on my lips.
I miss how soft your hair felt in my hands.
I miss your warmth.
I miss waking up next to you.
It gave me a smile as soon as I opened my eyes.
I hope now to fall back into another dream
where I can see your beautiful blue eyes
blink ever so slowly above your smile.
I love you."
AJ - October 31, 2010
"Sleep tight my dear love,
The sun has set course for the horizon.
Sleep well, Sweet dreams did come.
Fireflies and fields of golden flowers.
Therein we lie together,
Forever it would seem.
To deny our fate would be
to deny Boomer his ball.
Who would we be to keep us seperated
when true joy and contentment
is found in our connection.
To be apart would be to elave the Boomer
staring at his ball,
wishing it to be thrown for him.
A ball and a boomer,
true happiness,
much the same as an AJ and a Cait.
My Cait.
My one and only true love.
The source of my power, my pleasure my pain
The pain you give me by not being in my arms
or not at the opposing side of my kiss.
This is the only pain you can cause me now.
And baby, it's killing me to be denied your touch,
your skin, your eyes and your smile
My ears crave your "Goodnight I love you"s
and your "that was awesome"s
My eyes need to see
the beauty that you are.
From head to toe and
all the wonderful parts inbetween.
My senses need to be filled with your smell,
your voice,
your eyes and your sweat.
I miss my meditation partner.
I miss the silence,
starring at the stars,
wondering what they mean
or what they'll do.
I miss being in bed with you.
Talk, watch movies,
cuddle, make love,
or just be.
Be there.
Together.
Wake well to a smile and maybe a tear.
Because I love you more everyday.
You; the boomer, will soon be getting me; the ball
(pushing the analogy a bit there,
but you get the point)
I love you.
I will be true to you.
I will fight for you.
I will forgive you.
I will take care of you.
I will fuck the shit out of you as soon as I get a chance.
Cait,
you are everything I want
I love you so much.
So good morning now it is.
Wipe your happy tears on the sleeve of your hoodie.
Call me.
First thing you should say is
"I love you"
and a few sniffle tears might be nice =)
"I love you" isn't strong enough.
I atomic love you....maybe...
I took out something that I left earlier
and burned it
and took the ashes.
I left behind a "signature"
that acts like a monocle.
It's a very interesting piece.
Then I asked if I could fall asleep
inside your heart tonight
because I know you've been falling asleep
in mine recently.
I love you.
I ATOMIC love you. "
AJ - November 19 2010
"More than I year.
Almost two now I think:
I've known about you.
A little more than I year.
I've known you.
Hours go by every day
and I still feel like I'm getting to know you even better.
After a year, most people run out of gas,
but I think we're just getting started.
So rise and shine, again today calls to you.
Light the first cigarette
and remember the ones we've lit together.
Look at yourself in the mirror
and you'll see the most beautiful girl in the world.
Start your car and remember how many times
that's started an adventure.
Yell at your phone for being dumb and remember that
despite all that,
I'd still wait and call your name for minutes
after it went all Derp on us.
Touch your tattoos and imagine how badly
I want to touch them with my own fingers.
Wear your shoes and imagine my smile.
Drink in the morning light and a sky full of fireflies.
Look at the ocean and know that I long to look at it with you.
Raise a glass to friends
and awesome when glass raising happens.
Tell your sister
to hit that bong like a fucking sultan.
Because anything worth doing is worth doing right.
And I want to do everything right for us.... for me.
Tell me first thing when you call "what did you dream last night"
I'll say "No, what did YOU dream."
I hope you dreamt of me.
Because I intend to dream of you.
To you, my baby,
all the atomic love is yours.
Always remember that our love is special
I need you.
You are the other part.
We'll save the world.
You can want me, that's fine.
But I need you.
I starfish prime love you."
AJ - November 20, 2010
"Good morning again, my baby.
Had a great day yesterday.
Today will be much the same.
Watch even during this season of decay,
together we grow more everday day.
Breathe in cold air,
let it remind you that you're alive.
Whisper to the sun
"After the solstice, you will realize....
that you make me have a new day to tell him
I love him"
I do the same for you, baby.
Better believe it."
AJ - November 21, 2010
"Good morning my lovely girl.
Good morning, as cold as it may be.
you know you are still free.
A free soul and a free spirit.
Your dreams from tonight,
I can't wait to hear it.
Asleep you are now,
in a hoodie and quite satisfied.
I can't wait to be by your side.
Today, another step towards the sea.
And another step towards happiness be.
I love you, good morning."
AJ - November 21, 2010
"Good morning my fifth element.
My heart, I can't keep control of it.
I miss you more every hour.
You are my pleasure, pain and power.
I felt like I was inching closer,
too slow of rate.
Now I feel like I'm running,
sprinting at full gate.
Thank your love and help.
I hope you keep some of your love for yourself.
You're amazing and should bear that in mind.
Think of everythin nice I've ever sai
and in there you will find:
that you have to be wonderful to see so much love.
Good morning, baby.
Consider this your good morning hug. 2"
AJ - November 23, 2010
"Good morning, baby, love, my one and only.
I'll be there soon,
don't feel lonely.
As the street lights begin to flash red,
I know you're safe and sound in your bed.
Waking up now with thoughts of turkey in your head.
Down this path we've both been lead.
2"
AJ - November 24,2010
"Good morning my love.
Good morning indeed.
Hope you're well rested.
If I could quantify all the things you've taught or shown me,
I'd have a very large number.
I can remember.
Some of the lot.
What have we got....
Friends (show and real people),
math,
musicals,
john green,
good music...
Just to name a few off the top of my head.
This isn't very poetic,
but what I'm trying to say is that,
this last year has been great
because you've been there.
And without you right now,
I wouldn't have anywhere to go.
I can't wait to get to Seattle,
and start my new adventure.
I love you"
AJ - November 25, 2010
And now the poem I wrote him last night.
November 25th.
"I miss you love,
and I miss your kisses.
I miss your hugs,
I wanna be your Mrs.
Your arms always around me tight,
comforting me every single night.
I drifted into dreams where all I saw was you
when I dream of without you
I wonder what would I do?
but I always wake up and you're right there beside me
mentally, physically, nothing can harm me.
I know that I'm stealing your signature move
but when I start I just get in the groove
and my heart starts beatin'
what a crazy feat, an'
I just start writing and I can't stop
my heart skips a beat,
my inhibitions drop
and I let myself fall,
fall deep into love
where my mind lies away like an innocent dove
and I think of Jess and james,
Mom dad and ben
I hope you never give me reason
to imagine life without you again."
Cait - November 25, 2010
I love my life.
"I wish I could rub your back
and run my fingers through your hair.
I wish I could hold you close and kiss the back of your neck.
I wish I could cover you in fireflies
and then kiss the tears from your perfect blue eyes
and tell you that everything is going to be great.
My fingers remember exactly how every part of your body feels
from your nose to your neck
to your chest to your thighs
and all the way to your toes.
I'd give anything to run my hands down your warm body.
Sleep tight baby.
I'm always with you."
AJ - October 27, 2010
"I awoke from a soft dream.
Dreaming of shooting stars.
And I realize that I love you more
ever day even though you are so far away.
I miss hearing you breath next to me.
Even when you're not in my arms,
just feeling your body move next to me in bed.
I miss your conversations out loud with your dreams.
I miss the small moan you let out when I roll over and take you in my arms.
I miss the way your skin feels on my lips.
I miss how soft your hair felt in my hands.
I miss your warmth.
I miss waking up next to you.
It gave me a smile as soon as I opened my eyes.
I hope now to fall back into another dream
where I can see your beautiful blue eyes
blink ever so slowly above your smile.
I love you."
AJ - October 31, 2010
"Sleep tight my dear love,
The sun has set course for the horizon.
Sleep well, Sweet dreams did come.
Fireflies and fields of golden flowers.
Therein we lie together,
Forever it would seem.
To deny our fate would be
to deny Boomer his ball.
Who would we be to keep us seperated
when true joy and contentment
is found in our connection.
To be apart would be to elave the Boomer
staring at his ball,
wishing it to be thrown for him.
A ball and a boomer,
true happiness,
much the same as an AJ and a Cait.
My Cait.
My one and only true love.
The source of my power, my pleasure my pain
The pain you give me by not being in my arms
or not at the opposing side of my kiss.
This is the only pain you can cause me now.
And baby, it's killing me to be denied your touch,
your skin, your eyes and your smile
My ears crave your "Goodnight I love you"s
and your "that was awesome"s
My eyes need to see
the beauty that you are.
From head to toe and
all the wonderful parts inbetween.
My senses need to be filled with your smell,
your voice,
your eyes and your sweat.
I miss my meditation partner.
I miss the silence,
starring at the stars,
wondering what they mean
or what they'll do.
I miss being in bed with you.
Talk, watch movies,
cuddle, make love,
or just be.
Be there.
Together.
Wake well to a smile and maybe a tear.
Because I love you more everyday.
You; the boomer, will soon be getting me; the ball
(pushing the analogy a bit there,
but you get the point)
I love you.
I will be true to you.
I will fight for you.
I will forgive you.
I will take care of you.
I will fuck the shit out of you as soon as I get a chance.
Cait,
you are everything I want
I love you so much.
So good morning now it is.
Wipe your happy tears on the sleeve of your hoodie.
Call me.
First thing you should say is
"I love you"
and a few sniffle tears might be nice =)
"I love you" isn't strong enough.
I atomic love you....maybe...
I took out something that I left earlier
and burned it
and took the ashes.
I left behind a "signature"
that acts like a monocle.
It's a very interesting piece.
Then I asked if I could fall asleep
inside your heart tonight
because I know you've been falling asleep
in mine recently.
I love you.
I ATOMIC love you. "
AJ - November 19 2010
"More than I year.
Almost two now I think:
I've known about you.
A little more than I year.
I've known you.
Hours go by every day
and I still feel like I'm getting to know you even better.
After a year, most people run out of gas,
but I think we're just getting started.
So rise and shine, again today calls to you.
Light the first cigarette
and remember the ones we've lit together.
Look at yourself in the mirror
and you'll see the most beautiful girl in the world.
Start your car and remember how many times
that's started an adventure.
Yell at your phone for being dumb and remember that
despite all that,
I'd still wait and call your name for minutes
after it went all Derp on us.
Touch your tattoos and imagine how badly
I want to touch them with my own fingers.
Wear your shoes and imagine my smile.
Drink in the morning light and a sky full of fireflies.
Look at the ocean and know that I long to look at it with you.
Raise a glass to friends
and awesome when glass raising happens.
Tell your sister
to hit that bong like a fucking sultan.
Because anything worth doing is worth doing right.
And I want to do everything right for us.... for me.
Tell me first thing when you call "what did you dream last night"
I'll say "No, what did YOU dream."
I hope you dreamt of me.
Because I intend to dream of you.
To you, my baby,
all the atomic love is yours.
Always remember that our love is special
I need you.
You are the other part.
We'll save the world.
You can want me, that's fine.
But I need you.
I starfish prime love you."
AJ - November 20, 2010
"Good morning again, my baby.
Had a great day yesterday.
Today will be much the same.
Watch even during this season of decay,
together we grow more everday day.
Breathe in cold air,
let it remind you that you're alive.
Whisper to the sun
"After the solstice, you will realize....
that you make me have a new day to tell him
I love him"
I do the same for you, baby.
Better believe it."
AJ - November 21, 2010
"Good morning my lovely girl.
Good morning, as cold as it may be.
you know you are still free.
A free soul and a free spirit.
Your dreams from tonight,
I can't wait to hear it.
Asleep you are now,
in a hoodie and quite satisfied.
I can't wait to be by your side.
Today, another step towards the sea.
And another step towards happiness be.
I love you, good morning."
AJ - November 21, 2010
"Good morning my fifth element.
My heart, I can't keep control of it.
I miss you more every hour.
You are my pleasure, pain and power.
I felt like I was inching closer,
too slow of rate.
Now I feel like I'm running,
sprinting at full gate.
Thank your love and help.
I hope you keep some of your love for yourself.
You're amazing and should bear that in mind.
Think of everythin nice I've ever sai
and in there you will find:
that you have to be wonderful to see so much love.
Good morning, baby.
Consider this your good morning hug. 2"
AJ - November 23, 2010
"Good morning, baby, love, my one and only.
I'll be there soon,
don't feel lonely.
As the street lights begin to flash red,
I know you're safe and sound in your bed.
Waking up now with thoughts of turkey in your head.
Down this path we've both been lead.
2"
AJ - November 24,2010
"Good morning my love.
Good morning indeed.
Hope you're well rested.
If I could quantify all the things you've taught or shown me,
I'd have a very large number.
I can remember.
Some of the lot.
What have we got....
Friends (show and real people),
math,
musicals,
john green,
good music...
Just to name a few off the top of my head.
This isn't very poetic,
but what I'm trying to say is that,
this last year has been great
because you've been there.
And without you right now,
I wouldn't have anywhere to go.
I can't wait to get to Seattle,
and start my new adventure.
I love you"
AJ - November 25, 2010
And now the poem I wrote him last night.
November 25th.
"I miss you love,
and I miss your kisses.
I miss your hugs,
I wanna be your Mrs.
Your arms always around me tight,
comforting me every single night.
I drifted into dreams where all I saw was you
when I dream of without you
I wonder what would I do?
but I always wake up and you're right there beside me
mentally, physically, nothing can harm me.
I know that I'm stealing your signature move
but when I start I just get in the groove
and my heart starts beatin'
what a crazy feat, an'
I just start writing and I can't stop
my heart skips a beat,
my inhibitions drop
and I let myself fall,
fall deep into love
where my mind lies away like an innocent dove
and I think of Jess and james,
Mom dad and ben
I hope you never give me reason
to imagine life without you again."
Cait - November 25, 2010
I love my life.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
- recording school
- feet hurt
- weather
- don't wear shoes he bought me
- spent quality time together
- I'm a bitch
- I'm a slut
- I make him feel guilty
- my family doesn't like him
"There isn't anything that you can give me..."
"I'd rather you go fuck around and get it out of your system than sit around moping about me"
that was my talk today.... oh FML.
- feet hurt
- weather
- don't wear shoes he bought me
- spent quality time together
- I'm a bitch
- I'm a slut
- I make him feel guilty
- my family doesn't like him
"There isn't anything that you can give me..."
"I'd rather you go fuck around and get it out of your system than sit around moping about me"
that was my talk today.... oh FML.
Monday, November 1, 2010
*sigh*
Not sure what my last post was even about.
but all I have to say is this......
fuck my sister. She never has words of encouragement. amazing.
but all I have to say is this......
fuck my sister. She never has words of encouragement. amazing.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Confused and lost.
Times are not good.
I'be been lonely, bored, and depressed. I'm not sure of the last time I felt this down. Truth be told, its not much at all to do with AJ. He's being supportive and sweet, though today he annoyed me a bit. I think I'm just fucked up. I'm totally depressed, I feel heartbroken even though I'm in love. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Id be content to lay in bed all day watching movies I hardly enjoy while drinking glass after glass of butterbeer. If it weren't for AJ I'd probably be an alcoholic by now. Periodically drinking and thinking of suicide methods.
I realized today that I have no talent, no ability, no Passion. I'm not attractive, driven, or even hopeful. I'm a mess, and I don't feel worth saving.
AJ is trying to help, to no avail. I don't know what to do with my life. Id like to teach, or be a vet, or a million different things, but they all involve school that I can't afford and don't have time for.
AJ wants to DJ, which I can appreciate, but it won't pay the bills and I'm not content to live my whole life working my ass off so that AJ can follow his dream. I went with him to new York, and failed because that was where HIS dream could come true, not mine. And then I dragged him back to Colorado where he'll end up working a job be hates, and so will I because its "easier".
But is it easier to go through hell with no light at the end of the tunnel or to go through even worse for the possibility of light? I shouldn't miss my relationship with Dan, but part of me does. My love life sucked then, but everything else was so much easier. I had someone who knew what they were doing and sometimes I feel like AJ's mother, instructing him on paying bills, and renting apartments, and working and banking and living. I'm not sure when he'll grow up, but my patience is wearing thin. How can I possibly love him, and be patient and kind with him when I absolutely detest myself? And how I can I expect him to sift through my shit and wait for me to be a good girlfriend when he has so much to offer?
I wanted to go see a therapist but I can't afford it, and even my best friend won't speak to me.
How can I smile when everything sucks?
I'be been lonely, bored, and depressed. I'm not sure of the last time I felt this down. Truth be told, its not much at all to do with AJ. He's being supportive and sweet, though today he annoyed me a bit. I think I'm just fucked up. I'm totally depressed, I feel heartbroken even though I'm in love. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Id be content to lay in bed all day watching movies I hardly enjoy while drinking glass after glass of butterbeer. If it weren't for AJ I'd probably be an alcoholic by now. Periodically drinking and thinking of suicide methods.
I realized today that I have no talent, no ability, no Passion. I'm not attractive, driven, or even hopeful. I'm a mess, and I don't feel worth saving.
AJ is trying to help, to no avail. I don't know what to do with my life. Id like to teach, or be a vet, or a million different things, but they all involve school that I can't afford and don't have time for.
AJ wants to DJ, which I can appreciate, but it won't pay the bills and I'm not content to live my whole life working my ass off so that AJ can follow his dream. I went with him to new York, and failed because that was where HIS dream could come true, not mine. And then I dragged him back to Colorado where he'll end up working a job be hates, and so will I because its "easier".
But is it easier to go through hell with no light at the end of the tunnel or to go through even worse for the possibility of light? I shouldn't miss my relationship with Dan, but part of me does. My love life sucked then, but everything else was so much easier. I had someone who knew what they were doing and sometimes I feel like AJ's mother, instructing him on paying bills, and renting apartments, and working and banking and living. I'm not sure when he'll grow up, but my patience is wearing thin. How can I possibly love him, and be patient and kind with him when I absolutely detest myself? And how I can I expect him to sift through my shit and wait for me to be a good girlfriend when he has so much to offer?
I wanted to go see a therapist but I can't afford it, and even my best friend won't speak to me.
How can I smile when everything sucks?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
My crooked heart....
It's been raining the past two days.
It's gloomy and dark, which is strange for Colorado.
I'm leaving AJ. I'm giving up, which in and of itself doesn't sound like me at all....
But I deserve more. I deserve to have someone tell me that I'm beautiful everyday. I deserve someone who looks at me and smiles, someone who lights my cigarette, holds my hand, brushes back my hair and says I'm beautiful no matter what. Someone who lifts my chin up to kiss me and is comfortable with just sitting next to me and watching youtube or movies. Or laying in bed next to me, each reading separate books, and reaching over to set his hand on my leg.
AJ can't decide if he wants me or not, and to me, that means he obviously doesn't.
I don't want to waste my time. He doesn't love me, he just wants me to be his "friend with benefits" he wants me to treat him like I treat a boyfriend but I can't call him that, I am still just his friend, and I'm sorry AJ, but that's not how that works.
Things have changed.
I'm getting stronger and standing up for what I know is right. And AJ is not right for me.
Don't get me wrong, I love him, desperately, but he's hurt me too much. And keeping me in this limbo of a "relationship"/non-relationship is just tearing me apart.
I can't do it to myself anymore. I can't do it.
I'm going today to pick up my things from his house, taking it to my moms and start moving out of my dads, and maybe after that I'll get to see Ben.
The boy that gives me butterflies, who brushes my cheek with the back of his hand and smiles at my nice and coy, and never ceases to make me laugh.
Perhaps I do have a crooked heart, but so do all my neighbors. And I love them all the same, lets hope that someone will love me.
"All I want is a man who is going to chase me when I run, and I'm not sure he exists...
Maybe I'll find a man who won't make me want to run."
It's gloomy and dark, which is strange for Colorado.
I'm leaving AJ. I'm giving up, which in and of itself doesn't sound like me at all....
But I deserve more. I deserve to have someone tell me that I'm beautiful everyday. I deserve someone who looks at me and smiles, someone who lights my cigarette, holds my hand, brushes back my hair and says I'm beautiful no matter what. Someone who lifts my chin up to kiss me and is comfortable with just sitting next to me and watching youtube or movies. Or laying in bed next to me, each reading separate books, and reaching over to set his hand on my leg.
AJ can't decide if he wants me or not, and to me, that means he obviously doesn't.
I don't want to waste my time. He doesn't love me, he just wants me to be his "friend with benefits" he wants me to treat him like I treat a boyfriend but I can't call him that, I am still just his friend, and I'm sorry AJ, but that's not how that works.
Things have changed.
I'm getting stronger and standing up for what I know is right. And AJ is not right for me.
Don't get me wrong, I love him, desperately, but he's hurt me too much. And keeping me in this limbo of a "relationship"/non-relationship is just tearing me apart.
I can't do it to myself anymore. I can't do it.
I'm going today to pick up my things from his house, taking it to my moms and start moving out of my dads, and maybe after that I'll get to see Ben.
The boy that gives me butterflies, who brushes my cheek with the back of his hand and smiles at my nice and coy, and never ceases to make me laugh.
Perhaps I do have a crooked heart, but so do all my neighbors. And I love them all the same, lets hope that someone will love me.
"All I want is a man who is going to chase me when I run, and I'm not sure he exists...
Maybe I'll find a man who won't make me want to run."
Monday, May 24, 2010
Gypsy Book
Today a book was brought to my desk. Upon opening it, I learned that it was a gypsy book. A book passed along with the intent to publish. Each person who recieves it enters as much or as little as they'd like into the book, pictures, poems, prose, song lyrics, anything they feel inspired by. Here is my entry:
"Entry # 4
I am not many things. Most certainly nothing spectacular. I am an escapist. I drink, smoke, fuck, cry, laugh, and meditate to escape the feeling of existence, mortality. I am completely insane. And not in a playful way. I've seen faces melt, wings sprout, empires burn. I've seen myself drown, I've seen my best friend and lover get shot, and I've seen cocaine flow through the veins of those only a decade and a half old. I've tried to write poems, prose, I've tried to sing, dance, draw, paint, travel, learn russian, german, french, spanish, and sign language. I've smoked Parliments, Camels, Marlboros, Dreams, Newports, American Spirits, and pot and cigars alike. I've been in Little Shop of Horros, Phantom of the Opera, Blithe Spirit, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Beauty Lou and the Country Beast, Rumplestiltskin, Of Mice and Men, and Rend (among many others....)
This seems like a list of accomplishments, It is not. It is a list of attempts. My list of failures. And that has only scratched the surface. It wasn't until I saw him glow, and his wings spread, with fireflies filling the smoky sky by the millions, that I realized. I no longer have to try. Finally, I actually can. I can achieve something. And now that my electric wings have finally burst from my back, I can search for her on the dance floor.
And the voices with stop.
And we will ALL be safe. "
Now to find a picture.
"Entry # 4
I am not many things. Most certainly nothing spectacular. I am an escapist. I drink, smoke, fuck, cry, laugh, and meditate to escape the feeling of existence, mortality. I am completely insane. And not in a playful way. I've seen faces melt, wings sprout, empires burn. I've seen myself drown, I've seen my best friend and lover get shot, and I've seen cocaine flow through the veins of those only a decade and a half old. I've tried to write poems, prose, I've tried to sing, dance, draw, paint, travel, learn russian, german, french, spanish, and sign language. I've smoked Parliments, Camels, Marlboros, Dreams, Newports, American Spirits, and pot and cigars alike. I've been in Little Shop of Horros, Phantom of the Opera, Blithe Spirit, The Scarlet Pimpernel, Beauty Lou and the Country Beast, Rumplestiltskin, Of Mice and Men, and Rend (among many others....)
This seems like a list of accomplishments, It is not. It is a list of attempts. My list of failures. And that has only scratched the surface. It wasn't until I saw him glow, and his wings spread, with fireflies filling the smoky sky by the millions, that I realized. I no longer have to try. Finally, I actually can. I can achieve something. And now that my electric wings have finally burst from my back, I can search for her on the dance floor.
And the voices with stop.
And we will ALL be safe. "
Now to find a picture.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Moving...
I'm looking to move out.
That sounds horrible but I need to do it. I need to start putting my focus into school. I've never done that. I've never been the girl to put my relationship on hold and my school, job, career, and family first. But I need to. I'm falling behind in classes and if I don't push myself to succeed, I'm going to be stuck in this life forever. I need to figure out school, manage my time, and work on becoming financially stable before I can continue a relationship with AJ. But the good thing is, if I can do all of those things, AJ and I will have a successful and happy relationship.
My self confidence is failing pretty rapidly. I am feeling less and less beautiful no matter how much he tells me. And that's causing even more problems... I don't know, I might come back and talk more about it later... for now my head hurts...
Monday, March 1, 2010
Tattoos
I've gotten my fourth today.
The first was a clover on my foot. Three petals. My sister and mom got the same thing in the same place. Something that will always remind me how connected I am to them and how much they have influenced me. I really don't know where I would be without their love and support.
Number two was the symbol from The Fifth Element on my wrist.
AJ got the same one. This is my symbol for perfection. Showing that nothing in the world is completely perfect. But in AJ's eyes, I am. And in my eyes, he is. It connects us. (Besides the fact that it's a bad ass movie and even if AJ and I break up I can say 'Shit yeah, Fifth Element is awesome')
I'm not sure why it's so beautiful to me but it definitely means a lot.
The next one was an omega sign on my chest. That one means so much to me. That shows me that I'm a changed person and the alphabet, the fundamental part of who I was while I was with Dan, has come to an end. I'm no longer that weak, dependent person who is too afraid to stand up for herself. Who is too meek to make herself heard. It's the end of a period for me, and the beginning to a new person. A stronger person. A person who finally can see herself as beautiful.
Finally, today, I got my calla lilies. Something I've wanted since I was 15. I never met my grandpa Ed, on my mom's side. He died in January before I was born. My whole family tells me I may be his reincarnation. We have an overwhelming amount of similarities for two people who have never met. I wish dearly I had known him.
But I did know my grandpa Si, on my dad's side. He and I were really close. He always used to say to me, "When you were little and I was big, we went down to a country jig, we had more fun than all the kids in town, because you were a little clown" just a silly little rhyme that he would recite, while picking up my arms and swinging me around, or tossing me into the pool, or teaching me how to golf just like him. When he passed away, I was devistated. He hadn't been sick for very long. A few months at most. He was suddenly diagnosed with lung cancer. At first they gave him a while. Told us he could probably pull through and live a while longer. Then things went wrong. I got a call from my dad saying that Grandpa was in critical condition. They didn't know if he'd make it through the week. He had bought a flight for the next day. About an hour later he called again. "Grandpa might not make it through the night, I have a red-eye flight to Florida. I'll keep you posted." The next time that I heard my dad, he was choking through tears. My grandpa Si had passed away just minutes after he was planning on flying out. I didn't get to say goodbye.
They had the funeral later that week. My rich father, and richer grandma refused to pay for me to fly out. Then, in June, 3 months later, they had a memorial. It would have been my grandparents 50 year anniversary. I couldn't afford to fly out then either. Since then, I haven't been to Florida. I never said goodbye to my grandpa, or the beloved house that was my get away. My grandma sold is shortly after. For that reason, I have put my goodbye, my 'I love you' and my 'Hello to a new beginning. I miss you' on my side. Forever remembering what he meant to me. I love you Grandpa. See you later....
The first was a clover on my foot. Three petals. My sister and mom got the same thing in the same place. Something that will always remind me how connected I am to them and how much they have influenced me. I really don't know where I would be without their love and support.
Number two was the symbol from The Fifth Element on my wrist.
AJ got the same one. This is my symbol for perfection. Showing that nothing in the world is completely perfect. But in AJ's eyes, I am. And in my eyes, he is. It connects us. (Besides the fact that it's a bad ass movie and even if AJ and I break up I can say 'Shit yeah, Fifth Element is awesome')I'm not sure why it's so beautiful to me but it definitely means a lot.
The next one was an omega sign on my chest. That one means so much to me. That shows me that I'm a changed person and the alphabet, the fundamental part of who I was while I was with Dan, has come to an end. I'm no longer that weak, dependent person who is too afraid to stand up for herself. Who is too meek to make herself heard. It's the end of a period for me, and the beginning to a new person. A stronger person. A person who finally can see herself as beautiful.
Finally, today, I got my calla lilies. Something I've wanted since I was 15. I never met my grandpa Ed, on my mom's side. He died in January before I was born. My whole family tells me I may be his reincarnation. We have an overwhelming amount of similarities for two people who have never met. I wish dearly I had known him.
But I did know my grandpa Si, on my dad's side. He and I were really close. He always used to say to me, "When you were little and I was big, we went down to a country jig, we had more fun than all the kids in town, because you were a little clown" just a silly little rhyme that he would recite, while picking up my arms and swinging me around, or tossing me into the pool, or teaching me how to golf just like him. When he passed away, I was devistated. He hadn't been sick for very long. A few months at most. He was suddenly diagnosed with lung cancer. At first they gave him a while. Told us he could probably pull through and live a while longer. Then things went wrong. I got a call from my dad saying that Grandpa was in critical condition. They didn't know if he'd make it through the week. He had bought a flight for the next day. About an hour later he called again. "Grandpa might not make it through the night, I have a red-eye flight to Florida. I'll keep you posted." The next time that I heard my dad, he was choking through tears. My grandpa Si had passed away just minutes after he was planning on flying out. I didn't get to say goodbye.
They had the funeral later that week. My rich father, and richer grandma refused to pay for me to fly out. Then, in June, 3 months later, they had a memorial. It would have been my grandparents 50 year anniversary. I couldn't afford to fly out then either. Since then, I haven't been to Florida. I never said goodbye to my grandpa, or the beloved house that was my get away. My grandma sold is shortly after. For that reason, I have put my goodbye, my 'I love you' and my 'Hello to a new beginning. I miss you' on my side. Forever remembering what he meant to me. I love you Grandpa. See you later....
Friday, February 26, 2010
Point of view Point
Things should be going well.
I suppose that they are.
I've had a drink or two the last two nights in row...
I can't wait to have a beer tonight.
AJ lies asleep next to me. Dreaming of things I can't imagine. I need a cigarette. I hope he adventured well last night, the A just transformed from high to sleep pretty quickly. I was downstairs and everything was surreal.
Went to visit my seraphim and ask it questions. AJ became his seraphim and I got to ask him questions... but I can't remember what I asked. I think I asked about Heather and Jason. I wish I would have been able to be as open with my seraphim about whats really going on im my mind... but especially wh
en AJ is there, even if he's only there phyically, I can't imagine myself breaking his heart.I'm having such a hard time figuring this whole 'life' thing out and it feels like the world is passing me by at a million miles an hour...
I love to spend time with him yet I'm still yearning for that night that I can put myself to sleep. That night where I can have a drink alone and maybe get a little high.
I just want the chance to enjoy me as a person. I like me, I think....
Why does everything have to be so complicated?
I just want to discover if I'm really as cool as AJ thinks I am.... because right now, I feel pretty fucking lame every single goddamned day...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
For some reason, I feel less and less accomplished.
I feel like I'm falling behind in life. I have a good job I suppose. I'm making decent money and I have a running car but my school work is failing. I haven't been paying full attention to what I need to do....
I can't help but blame AJ for that. It's terrible. It's hurtful but I feel like I've been spending every second of precious time I have with him and not factoring in what I need to be doing for homework.
Part of me feels like maybe I should stay at my mom's for a week or more to get my life together. Start catching up in school and maybe feeling more appreciative of what I have with AJ but I know that if I do that, it's going to break his heart. I can't handle that.
I've been escaping in music lately, in ways I never have before. Listening to MPact and Cornelius and The Beatles to keep me smiling and feeling alive.
I've also been taking part in some illegal drug use, which I know my mom would frown on but... It's one of the only things that makes me feel alive.
Lately my desires to become really self destructive are getting worse and worse. I don't want that to be the case but it is. I want to be happy in my relationship and it's difficult with my mind wandering into dark places so often...
AJ said he visited me last night. I hope something interesting happened. At least I hope that he visited me. He said he wanted to try to see what I was dreaming, but I'm nervous because I've been having a lot of dreams about Dan and Fred and so few with his influence that I can remember. I need to have a good nights sleep and a true adventure ya know?
Maybe one night I will just go driving alone, smoking out of my windows and blasting good music. I can afford the gas right now and it will make me a lot better at driving my new car....
Tomorrow night.
Adventure night.
Alone.
I can't wait....
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