Times are not good.
I'be been lonely, bored, and depressed. I'm not sure of the last time I felt this down. Truth be told, its not much at all to do with AJ. He's being supportive and sweet, though today he annoyed me a bit. I think I'm just fucked up. I'm totally depressed, I feel heartbroken even though I'm in love. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Id be content to lay in bed all day watching movies I hardly enjoy while drinking glass after glass of butterbeer. If it weren't for AJ I'd probably be an alcoholic by now. Periodically drinking and thinking of suicide methods.
I realized today that I have no talent, no ability, no Passion. I'm not attractive, driven, or even hopeful. I'm a mess, and I don't feel worth saving.
AJ is trying to help, to no avail. I don't know what to do with my life. Id like to teach, or be a vet, or a million different things, but they all involve school that I can't afford and don't have time for.
AJ wants to DJ, which I can appreciate, but it won't pay the bills and I'm not content to live my whole life working my ass off so that AJ can follow his dream. I went with him to new York, and failed because that was where HIS dream could come true, not mine. And then I dragged him back to Colorado where he'll end up working a job be hates, and so will I because its "easier".
But is it easier to go through hell with no light at the end of the tunnel or to go through even worse for the possibility of light? I shouldn't miss my relationship with Dan, but part of me does. My love life sucked then, but everything else was so much easier. I had someone who knew what they were doing and sometimes I feel like AJ's mother, instructing him on paying bills, and renting apartments, and working and banking and living. I'm not sure when he'll grow up, but my patience is wearing thin. How can I possibly love him, and be patient and kind with him when I absolutely detest myself? And how I can I expect him to sift through my shit and wait for me to be a good girlfriend when he has so much to offer?
I wanted to go see a therapist but I can't afford it, and even my best friend won't speak to me.
How can I smile when everything sucks?
