It's been raining the past two days.
It's gloomy and dark, which is strange for Colorado.
I'm leaving AJ. I'm giving up, which in and of itself doesn't sound like me at all....
But I deserve more. I deserve to have someone tell me that I'm beautiful everyday. I deserve someone who looks at me and smiles, someone who lights my cigarette, holds my hand, brushes back my hair and says I'm beautiful no matter what. Someone who lifts my chin up to kiss me and is comfortable with just sitting next to me and watching youtube or movies. Or laying in bed next to me, each reading separate books, and reaching over to set his hand on my leg.
AJ can't decide if he wants me or not, and to me, that means he obviously doesn't.
I don't want to waste my time. He doesn't love me, he just wants me to be his "friend with benefits" he wants me to treat him like I treat a boyfriend but I can't call him that, I am still just his friend, and I'm sorry AJ, but that's not how that works.
Things have changed.
I'm getting stronger and standing up for what I know is right. And AJ is not right for me.
Don't get me wrong, I love him, desperately, but he's hurt me too much. And keeping me in this limbo of a "relationship"/non-relationship is just tearing me apart.
I can't do it to myself anymore. I can't do it.
I'm going today to pick up my things from his house, taking it to my moms and start moving out of my dads, and maybe after that I'll get to see Ben.
The boy that gives me butterflies, who brushes my cheek with the back of his hand and smiles at my nice and coy, and never ceases to make me laugh.
Perhaps I do have a crooked heart, but so do all my neighbors. And I love them all the same, lets hope that someone will love me.
"All I want is a man who is going to chase me when I run, and I'm not sure he exists...
Maybe I'll find a man who won't make me want to run."
