Point of view Point

Things should be going well.
I suppose that they are.
I've had a drink or two the last two nights in row...
I can't wait to have a beer tonight.

AJ lies asleep next to me. Dreaming of things I can't imagine. I need a cigarette. I hope he adventured well last night, the A just transformed from high to sleep pretty quickly. I was downstairs and everything was surreal.
Went to visit my seraphim and ask it questions. AJ became his seraphim and I got to ask him questions... but I can't remember what I asked. I think I asked about Heather and Jason. I wish I would have been able to be as open with my seraphim about whats really going on im my mind... but especially when AJ is there, even if he's only there phyically, I can't imagine myself breaking his heart.

I'm having such a hard time figuring this whole 'life' thing out and it feels like the world is passing me by at a million miles an hour...
I love to spend time with him yet I'm still yearning for that night that I can put myself to sleep. That night where I can have a drink alone and maybe get a little high.
I just want the chance to enjoy me as a person. I like me, I think....

Why does everything have to be so complicated?
I just want to discover if I'm really as cool as AJ thinks I am.... because right now, I feel pretty fucking lame every single goddamned day...

For some reason, I feel less and less accomplished.
I feel like I'm falling behind in life. I have a good job I suppose. I'm making decent money and I have a running car but my school work is failing. I haven't been paying full attention to what I need to do....
I can't help but blame AJ for that. It's terrible. It's hurtful but I feel like I've been spending every second of precious time I have with him and not factoring in what I need to be doing for homework.

Part of me feels like maybe I should stay at my mom's for a week or more to get my life together. Start catching up in school and maybe feeling more appreciative of what I have with AJ but I know that if I do that, it's going to break his heart. I can't handle that.

I've been escaping in music lately, in ways I never have before. Listening to MPact and Cornelius and The Beatles to keep me smiling and feeling alive.
I've also been taking part in some illegal drug use, which I know my mom would frown on but... It's one of the only things that makes me feel alive.

Lately my desires to become really self destructive are getting worse and worse. I don't want that to be the case but it is. I want to be happy in my relationship and it's difficult with my mind wandering into dark places so often...

AJ said he visited me last night. I hope something interesting happened. At least I hope that he visited me. He said he wanted to try to see what I was dreaming, but I'm nervous because I've been having a lot of dreams about Dan and Fred and so few with his influence that I can remember. I need to have a good nights sleep and a true adventure ya know?

Maybe one night I will just go driving alone, smoking out of my windows and blasting good music. I can afford the gas right now and it will make me a lot better at driving my new car....

Tomorrow night.

Adventure night.

Alone.

I can't wait....